With all without you
by Leolina
Summary: Anakin loses his temper, balance, faith and heart on a simple, rainy day on Coruscant. "Anakin...I have bad news for you..." Mild slash, tragedy
1. Chapter 1

Hey folks! After abusing something that was planned as a simple romance (and ended, I fear, as Angst pure…I'm sorry, "Are we human, or are we dancers", I just couldn't control myself…but I'm not Obi-Wan, either :) )I decided to write now something that will be tragic…planned tragic!

Again, for sure, Obi-Wan/Anakin (strange, I don't even like Anakin, but I simply cannot write from Obi-Wan's perspective…it doesn't work, don't ask me why!), I hope you like it, and I hope you think of me and leave me a review. (This time I try it with a puppy face like Artoo with loose wires :) )

Special thanks to ObiBettina7 for helping me with finding a title…Danke für's Senf-Dazugeben :)

Heavy rain poured down from the always-glowing sky of Coruscant, enveloping the Jedi Temple in a blurred haze of fog and mist. I didn't like rain. I had grown up in the lethal desert heat of Tatooine, with its twin suns and sand storms, and in my first weeks on Coruscant I had literally shivered with cold, until Obi-Wan had pulled me into his lap and put his own thick, furry robe around us. In the warmth of the cloth and my Master's body I had curled up and fallen asleep, dreamless and decent for the first time in months.

Obi-Wan liked rain. He always said it was like the Planet would wash away all its problems, like the sky would cry out in despair and afterwards the air was free of worries and pain.

But today was a good day, and not even rain could spoil my mood. Today my Master would finally come home.

It had not been easy to focus on my lessons today, most of the time I had gazed into the pale blue yonder, daydreaming without perceiving a word my teachers said. My notes weren't very informative, either, just one word scribbled for a thousand time.

Obi-WanObi-WanObi-WanObi-Wan…

Every not involved observant would have stated that I loved my Master, just like every Padawan did, but with me, things were different.

I loved Obi-Wan, blindly, foolishly, passionately, idolatrously, and as honestly as only a boy could love. I had fallen in love with him because of the way he moved, elegantly, easily, every movement covered with an unique, natural nonchalance. I had fallen in love with him because of the way he fought, defensively, yet ready to strike if he noticed a mistake in his opponent's shielding, every muscle tensed under the marble skin with that tiniest trace of freckles. And most of all I had fallen in love with him because of the way he looked at me, as if all the galaxy and its problems vanished behind my presence and nothing mattered more to him than his Padawan.

Obi-Wan had been on a solo mission to Dartein for a month now, and I had missed him every second he had been away. I knew that when he returned, things would get even worse, because after a month without my Master I wouldn't be able to turn my gaze away of him, and after a lonely month it was even more unbearable than usual to resist the urge of simply grab him and kiss him until eternity ended.

He always chastised me for not controlling my emotions, but if he knew how hard I fought every day to not touch his cheek with the ginger beard, just to see if it was as soft and heavenly as it looked like…

I guess this all sounds pretty silly, but not even I was silly enough to believe that I actually stood a chance with Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was a hero, the only living Jedi who killed a Sith, the youngest Council member, and the most good-looking one, of course. People admired his wisdom, his charm and his compassion, he was always there for everyone, calm, yet not cool, passionate, yet not daredevil and wise, yet everything but arrogant. On top of that he looked like a god, some female apprentices had even founded an "Obi-Wan-Fanclub" (I was close to a murder when a giggling and obviously hot girl had asked me if I couldn't pinch some worn shirts from him, at least I was his apprentice and all. That had been really embarrassing, but the most horrifying thing was that for several months now I could only fall asleep with his training shirt under my pillow…I guess it was really time for some exorcism, but how should one exorcise an angel?)

And for sure I had not forgotten our age difference. I was still a boy, not even eighteen, while Obi-Wan was thirty-four, an adult that had experienced more than I probably ever would. Once I had overheard a talk between him and Bant, his best friend (don't touch this topic, I'm just over being jealous of her), when he had told her that I was like a son to him. Probably I should be happy about how much he cared for me, but blast it, I didn't want to be his son, I wanted to be his lover! In fact he was too young to be my father, he had been only sixteen when I was born…but if he had been only half as handsome then as today I'd bet that there were millions of girls who would have loved to…

"Padawan Skywalker?"

Force, that was bad. I should stop being absent-minded in class, or Master Tousci would actually dare giving me extra work for today, and that was the last thing I wanted. Slowly sinking back to reality I recognized that it had not been Master Tousci who had called my name, but a tall, dark man with a bald head and a grim expression whom I only knew too well…

"Padawan, Skywalker, would you please come with me for a moment?"

Oh holy Force, that was even worse than extra work. What could I have done to make Master Windu come for me during classes? While I stood up and followed him out of the room under the curious gazes of my classmates I racked my head, but I couldn't think of anything illegal I had done lately…well, except the things that were going on in my heart, but not even Master Windu could read my mind…at least I hoped so.

He led me along the corridor to a small bench and told me to sit down while he took place facing me. There was a really strange expression in his eyes, something like…pity? Probably I should try it with glasses, Mace Windu would only pity himself for losing his head razor…

I must have stared at him like a fool, so he sighed heavily and started.

"Padawan Skywalker…Anakin…I have bad news for you. I'm sorry to tell you that your Master has been attacked with his spacecraft during his way home. There have not been any survivors…"

There I sat, staring at Master Windu, in my mind only one thought:"Damned, Master, can't you keep yourself out of danger for one time?", and then:"How shall I be able to do my Political-History homework without you?" I stood up to thank Master Windu for his efforts and go back into my lessons, but, how peculiar, my feet didn't seem to be able to take a step forward. Again Windu gazed at me with a very strange look and took my hands into his. Holding hands with Master Windu, I thought, and was close to a laugh when his voice reached me as through a haze.

"Anakin, you're bleeding."

And indeed, I had clenched my fists so fiercely that my nails had pierced the skin. I watched the thin streams of crimson bloods on my pale skin and heard my own voice from far away.

"Oh, that's nothing. Master Obi-Wan will make it right."

The last thing I heard was the strange sound of my limbs hitting the floor, and everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey you all,

Here it is: Second part of "With all without you"! I wrote most of it while listening to "Love always remains" by MGMT, it's a great song if you want to get depressed and shaky…so definitely we should lock it away from Anakin, not even in this angsty piece he's meant to attempt suicide…well, not now.

And, please honor my genius: I struggled for years, but now I finally found a word for "cat" in the Star Wars Universe! Thanx to Pronker and his helpful link, and attention: Pittins is neither a spelling mistake nor an idea of my confused mind! It actually exists!!! Hahahaha!

Please leave a review, then I'm gonna purr like a happy pittin :-)

Heavy rain poured down from the always-glowing sky of Coruscant, and I stood on the balcony of our…no, my apartment, soaking wet and shivering with the cold and helpless, useless sobs, but this time there was no robe, there was no warm chest, no concerned eyes, "Come on, Padawan. Hop in.", no hands that caressed my frostbitten limbs, never, never again. There was just me and the darkness of the approaching night, but no gloom could harm me, no obscurity but the one that throbbed inside of me, that reigned every heartbeat, that made my own breath whisper agonizingly in my sore ears: "He is gone. He is gone."

My tears mixed with the raindrops on my face, but I could not move an inch, I could not wipe away the streaks of hair in my face, I could not think of anything but him.

_I was ten again, throwing a bunch of sabacc cards into his face, tears of rage in my eyes. "Padawan, you'll win the next round, I'm sure."_

_I was eleven again, shrieking with delight as he held me on my ankles and I saw his smiling face from upside-down:"Master, please! Let me go!", feeling the Force tickle my waist, "Are you gonna sleep now, Ani?", and his laughter mixed with mine as I tried to break free:"I don't want to sleep!", but then my back touched the mattress already, "Please, Ani…I'm gonna tell you a story, alright? And then you let your old Master sleep a little, too, ok?", and I fell asleep in his arms, because that had been exactly what I had wanted._

_I was twelve again, sitting in his lap on a speeder bike, crying with joy and excitement. "I'm flying, Master!", hearing his deep chuckle, "See my hands, Ani! You're doing it all alone!"_

_I was thirteen again and biting my lip in order not to cry as he bandaged my bruised arm. I was a big boy, I would not cry. Soft hands pulling me into a warm embrace, "It's not weak to cry, Padawan.", and then I sobbed into his tunic, crying out my pain and shame about the defeat. "Sshh, Ani. Tomorrow, everything will be alright."_

But nothing would be alright, nothing, because he was gone and I was alone and all he had left were the memories that stabbed my heart.

If I simply stayed out here in the rain, maybe I would freeze to death and then we'd be together again. It felt like I would die, though. Or what was it called if you couldn't breathe, if your eyes seemed to have forgotten how to see other things than grey, but if you closed them, you got overwhelmed y the intense blue of _those_ eyes, those eyes you'd give your soul to see again, and what was it called if there was no blood left in your veins, only shadows and black ink that wrote on the inside of your skin in a neat, curved handwriting, always the same three words, repeated again and again until you cried them out loud against the darkening sky: He is gone."

Master, why did you leave me? I always tried to make you proud, and I love you, I love you so…

"Anakin? Oh dear, what are you doing out there? Come in…oh my poor boy, please stop crying!"

***

I sat in Obi-Wan's favorite chair, the one with the worn-out, chafed cover, muddled in his old robe.(I hadn't told Bant that it was not mine, and she hadn't asked, she had just grabbed the next warm thing to wrap me in after she had dragged me back from the rain) The bittersweet, so terribly familiar scent of peppermint and honey still lingered on the robe, and it coevally caressed and devastated my heart. Bant put a steaming mug of tea in front of my rigid hands, and my eyes went wet again. Tea had always been Obi-Wan's cure-all, and I remembered his calm voice reciting an old poem when he had cradled my shaking body after horrendous fights, bad grades or abashing defeats until I fell asleep in decency.

"There was nothing that couldn't be

Made better with cups of black tea,

And telling the tale over and over

Until the pain went out of it."

I tried to hide my sob under a coughing fit, but I don't think I could deceive Bant, because her silver MonCalamarian eyes widened with compassion.

"If you…if you want to talk, Anakin…I'm always there for you."

I just stared at her wordlessly. My Master, my sun, my world was gone, and she wanted me to talk?

She looked a little hurt, obviously my shielding was as even weaker now than usual (I almost saw Obi-Wan's crinkled eyebrow, and heard the exhausted lecture about control, emotions and release into the Force…well, I guess my emotions right now would make the Force implode), but I was too detached to care or make the effort to say sorry.

"I miss him, too, Anakin. I have known him since I was three. He taught me to walk, and in return, I gave him swimming lessons."

I couldn't help smiling with the imagination of my dignified Master as a toddler, paddling around in the Room of the Thousand Fountains.

After Bant had left and I got dizzy of staring at the fading red marks on my palms, caused by consternation and my own fingernails, I remembered something that had, in all its randomness, refused to leave my mind, and right now I clung to every memory like a drowning man on a saving rock.

"_New tunic, Master?"_

"_Well, indeed. Bant forced me to throw away my favorite one, she said I started to look like a rascal."_

"_It's cool! Can I borrow it for tonight?"_

_This wrinkled eyebrow I loved so much…_

"_Tonight, Padawan?"_

"_Well…um, there's this party, and…yeah, Tru and I, we…"_

"_Go, in the name of the Force, but without my new tunic!"_

"_Oh, that's unfair! Wait…if I killed you right now, would I inherit your tunic?"_

"_You'd inherit a punishment of everlasting meditation…and Jedi shall not have possessions."_

"_So…why do you have your tunic?"_

"_Because you wouldn't be delighted by a naked Master…and now go, before I tie you up in here!"_

Oh, how wrong, how oblivious he was, and how great it would have been to be tied up by him…

There was something stirring my mind. Jedi always were to be prepared to die, so most of them wrote down their last will, even in young years. Sure we were not allowed to have possessions, but some Knights had left notes and little objects to their friends, in a generous try to make good-bye easier for the survivors. Maybe…maybe Obi-Wan had left something, too.

It wasn't that I wanted to inherit something, what mattered to me was that I would probably be able to read something in Obi-Wan's neat, curved handwriting, a letter he had left to the world, to me.

Cautiously I opened the door to his room. It was clean as always, for its owner was a control freak and orderly as hell, but the spread remnants of his presence made me reel. The robe he had thrown over his bed, wondering if he should take it with him, the half-ready report about another complicated topic on his bedside table, the pair of leather boots under his bed, everything just as if he could walk into the room in a moment, with that irresistible smile twisting around the corners of his mouth: "I'm sorry, Anakin, it's been a long day."

I sat down on the bed in which I had curled up for untold times, burying my shaking body in the reassuring warmth of my Master's tunic after another horrible nightmare while he stroke my back and I slowly relaxed, feeling that I'd never be lost and alone as long as he was with me. As long as he would be with me…if I had known how short the time was measured…

With trembling fingers I opened the drawer of his bedside table, knowing that probably he wouldn't want me to, but also aware that he wouldn't want me to be sad, either, and that I rather could try to fly than to be happy again.

The first thing I saw was a picture, drawn by clumsy little fingers on a rainy afternoon with no one at home but me. There were two matchstick men holding each other's hands, one smaller than the other and with a yellow thatch, the other one with ginger hair and a blue saber in his other hand. The thing that caught the eye immediately was not the bright sun, were not the shaky, multicolor flowers, it were the huge, crimson red smiles that were drawn over the persons' faces, and as I turned the picture around I read the awkward lines that covered the backside:

"To Masta Obiwan, from Anikin. I lov you!"

I had never known he had kept this picture. I had been nine when I had made it, and I still remembered the chagrin that had flushed my cheeks when I had handed it to the man I admired and loved, however cold he behaved towards me. I had expected a lecture about feelings and senseless activities when one could meditate, but what I'd got had made my heart leap. Obi-Wan had stared at me unbelievingly, then swallowed heavily.

"_Is this…is this really for me, Anakin?"_

Wordlessly I had turned around the drawing to show him the lines that had cost me some struggle and a lot of curses. I guess I will remember his face in this moment forever, obviously there weren't many people who had told him that they loved him the way he was, and as he had hugged me I knew that it had not been a grudge the taciturn man had borne against me, it had been caution to never be hurt so deeply again as he had been by the demise of Qui-Gon. From this day on, my only aim had been to make him trust me, rely on me, love me…just like I had.

However, the first and most important thing he had taught me was that I could never make so many mistakes that he would not like me anymore. Another memory came into my mind.

_One, two, three, step left, right, jump, blow, one, two, three… Another sparring, Obi-Wan in front of me, effortless and elegant while I stumbled around like a fool. I was in the Temple for three months now, and Obi-Wan was teaching me the basic lightsaber Katas. I had to strike against his saber, alternately with my left or right hand gripping my own while he called orders like "Backhand…forehand…under your leg…with turning" which I had to follow when I tried to hit his blade. It happened when I had to bash his saber after a difficult turning with hand change. I lost my balance, slipped off the blue cling and burned his hand right above the wrist. Terrified, I dropped my lightsaber._

"_Master, I…I…I'm so sorry!"_

_Tears leaked out of my eyes and blurred my vision. Now I had finally ruined everything, he wouldn't want me anymore, he would hit me like Watto had and tell me I was useless, and then he'd send me back to Tatooine, because I was stupid and clumsy and unworthy of being his Padawan. _

_Warm hands wiped away my tears._

"_Oh Ani, don't you cry. That's nothing."_

_He raised his hand and I jerked back. Words didn't mean a thing, probably that was the strange thing adults called sarcasm, he didn't mean it and now he would blow the hell out of me. I waited, eyes closed in expectation of the first slap, but nothing happened. _

_Gingerly I opened one eye, then the other. Obi-Wan hadn't moved, he stood in front of me and stared at me with blank looks. Cautiously like a pittin I made a step forward and he smiled and pulled me into a warm embrace, making shooing sounds, "Shh, Anakin, everything's fine. Everything is alright."_

"_You…you are not mad at me?", I whispered through the soft cloth of his tunic I had buried my head in, bathing in the rare and unexpected closeness to him._

"_Not at all, Ani. When I was a Padawan, I sometimes was close to slicing Qui-Gon's arteries!"_

_We both laughed, but then his sea-blue eyes got serious again and found mine in an honest promise._

"_And I would never hit you, Ani, I swear!"_

_That was the first time when I said those precious three words to him, words that I meant whole-heartedly, words that had grown with me, and words I had never regretted._

"_I love you, Master!"_


	3. Chapter 3

Hey you all, good to see you again :-)

I fear this is another mush chapter, but that at least fits in the weather in good old Germany…it rains just as heavy as on Kamino! I wish I had webbings, like JarJar…or at least such a sexy hood, like Obi-Wan :-)

Make the sun shine for me (or twin suns…like on Tatooine *begging eyes* ), and leave me a review, please! In return, there will be something happening in the next chapter, promise!

* * *

The next item in the drawer was kind of a HoloDisk. Curiously I opened the box, and a note fell into my lap. I immediately recognized Obi-Wan's handwriting, although it was not as adept and neat as I knew it.

"_Don't tell me you've done that, Bant!"_

"_Why do you want me to lie to you? And stop growling, Master Kleron's gonna kill us if he detects the note!"_

"_I can't believe you've given the Disk to Qui-Gon! I can't believe you've recorded me!"_

"_Oh, he was really pleased. You know that he loves your voice, and you needed a birthday present for him!"_

"_This is SO embarrassing! I'll kill you and Garen, I swear, just when we get out of…"_

_Underneath the familiar handwritings were a few lines in crimson red._

"_Master Qui-Gon, I have to inform you that your Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi disturbs my lessons writing letters. I'm sure you'll find an apt punishment. Yours sincerely, Jared Kleron"_

With a little smile I put the Disk into the reader on the shelf. If I had understood correctly…

Cracking sounds and hissing, then…

"_Have you pressed 'record', Garen?"_

"_Yeah, I have…"_

He cleared his throat.

"_Ladies and Gentlemen, we proudly present the Golden Voice Obi-Wan Kenobi performing his favorite songs!"_

"_Sshh, Garen, or he'll notice that we're recording!"_

And then a beautiful voice filled the air and made me suck in air in a shuddering breath, here, alone, on the bed of my beloved Master…and he was unmistakably the owner of this voice.

"_And I'd give up forever to touch you,  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.  
You're the closest to heaven  
That I'll ever be,  
And I don't want to go home right now."_

Bant's voice, low and shaky, obviously trying to suppress a sob, just as I did, years and decades away.

"_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,  
Or the moment of truth in your lies.  
When everything seems like the movies…  
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive!_

And I don't want the world to see me,  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
When everything's made to be broken,  
I just want you to know who I am…"

"_Oh Bant, stop crying, or I'll never sing for you again."_

"_I'm…sorry, Obi-Wan, but…it's just so beautiful!"_

I laid back in his bed, again tears streaming out of my eyes. I had never known that my uptight, controlled Master could sing with so much passion…so much emotion that it pierced my already broken heart. The first notes of the next song sounded, and suddenly a blurred memory encountered my mind and I moved my lips involuntarily with the beginning lines.

"_All around me are familiar faces,  
Worn-out places, worn-out faces.  
Bright and early for the daily races,  
Going nowhere, going nowhere.."_

I knew this song, I knew the words...

_"And I find it kind of funny,  
I find it kind of sad.  
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.  
I find it hard to tell you,  
I find it hard to take,  
When people run in circles, it's a very, very  
Mad world…  
Mad world_…"

_Cold hands on my hot, feverish forehead, gently caressing the sweaty , errant strands of hair, my mind blurred, everything ached, everything was so hot and painful and dark, everything but the hands that held my trembling body tight and the voice that kept me away from the vertigo of gloom…_  
_  
"Children waiting for the day they feel good,  
Happy birthday, happy birthday!  
And they feel the way that every child should,  
Sit and listen, sit and listen.  
Went to school and I was very nervous,  
No one knew me, no one knew me.  
Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson!  
Look right through me, look right through me…"_

_When I had woken up the next morning, Obi-Wan had been sitting on my bed, a cup of tea in his hands and a worried smile on his face. He had told me that I'd been unconscious for two days due to a severe fever. I never had been able to remember anything from that time, until now, when I had heard the song again. Obviously Obi-Wan, the distant, eminent Jedi Master, had sung me a lullaby._

_"And I find it kind of funny,  
I find it kind of sad.  
The dreams in…wait…_

_Garen, Bant, what are you doing there?"_

"_Force, Garen, press 'stop'!"_

"_Where's 'stop'?"_

"_You're recording, aren't you? Give me the Disk!"_

"_Never ever, Rock Star! Garen, press 'stop'! Qui-Gon shouldn't hear that, or we'll get extra lessons for the rest of our lives!"_

"_What shouldn't he hear?"_

"_That…"_

"_Fucking Sithspit, Bant, you bloody traitor! Give me the rotten Disk or you'll regret it, I swear!"_

"_Aah, there's 'stop'!"_

The voices vanished and my tears mixed with laughter. I almost heard Obi-Wan's lecturing voice:

"Language, Padawan. Release your anger to the Force!"

Well, practice made perfect.

The next thing I found was an old deed, the ink already a little bleached.

"I, Obi-Wan Keanu Kenobi, Jedi Knight of the Republic, declare to take Anakin Skywalker as my apprentice. I will guide him, guard him and teach him everything I know, may the Force be with me.

Obi-Wan Kenobi"

Again I sobbed. I knew how hard Obi-Wan had to fight for the permission to train me, and I knew that it had cut his soul to argue with the Council, devoted and honest as he was. But he had done it for me, he had ignored the cold looks and whispers and the fact that he was sent from mission to mission without me, and he had told me after he had seen my tears because nobody in my classes wanted to be my friend that there was nothing wrong with me and the other kids just needed time to accustom.

And then came the golden day when he had fetched me from classes, and suddenly I found myself flying through the air, whirling like a spacecraft several inches above the heads of my classmates. Obi-Wan had used the Force to make me soar straight in his arms, and the others stared enviously at me and my cool Master. In fact, what ten-year-old wouldn't want to be whirled around in the air? I remembered Obi-Wan's mischievous grin as he lifted me up again, this time together with Tru Veld and Ferus Olin, and we shrieked with delight as he let us gyrate around each other, just close enough to exchange hasty tickles and laughing fits. We were still giggling like mad as a sudden voice made Obi-Wan let us down.

"Ahm, Master Kenobi, are you sure this is an apt way to teach the younglings the will of the Force?"

Obi-Wan tried hard for a contrite face in front of Master Windu.

"Um, no, Master…I'm sorry…Come on, Anakin."

And then, behind Windu's back, he hoisted me up again without looking at me, higher and higher so I saw Windu's bald head from above, and then gently sat me down onto his shoulders where I immediately clung to the ginger streaks. Master Windu should never find out why suddenly everyone burst out laughing, and from this day on, I had friends.

Behind the precious deed was a photo that had been taken on my first mission. We were standing in a huge landing hall, both bruised and dirty, hair ruffled and tunics worn-out, but both grinning like mad. He had his arms, one of them still bleeding from a Blaster graze, wrapped around my shoulders, and again I heard his voice echoing in my ears.

"_Your first mission, Ani! Congratulations! Force, I'm getting old!"_

But he would never get older than thirty-four, his attackers had made for that. I clung to the photo like drowning, there were no tears left to cry, but heavy, hoarse sobs rocked my body.

How could it have been the will of the Force to take away the only thing I could not live without? If the Force liked to see me suffer, if she reveled in my despair, then she was a traitor, a wrong crutch in a senseless life.

My own half-hearted regret didn't reach my heart. These were thoughts that led to the dark side? Well, what did it matter now? Who cared if I was good or bad when all the light had vanished from my life? And now, as if a lever had been shifted in my brain, I did not only think about the demise of my only love, but about the people who had caused it, and I was startled by the infinite, glowing hatred that flooded my veins. How dared they living when they had killed someone so pure, so good, so…necessary? How could they live on, how could the Force let them live without striking them down by a lightning or something? Had they even realized what they had done, what star they had extinguished?

Reeling I stood up. I would find them. I would find them, I would torture them, and I would kill them for what they had done to Obi-Wan, for what they had done to me.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey again,

Thank you for reading this story! I hope you'll like this chapter, it was just necessary to explain some things before Anakin becomes a Sith Lord or visitor of Oprah Winfrey Late Night Talk or the galaxy's biggest consumer of tissues and painkillers or…well, let's see *evil, evil grin…maybe I become a Sith Lord, in fact*

So please read it, recognize the green button and review it…now I've even used an alliteration for you :-)

* * *

I rushed through the hallways without even perceiving the blank looks I gained from everyone I passed, lack of self-control was never approved in a Jedi Temple, but I couldn't care less. I had to talk to the Council immediately, they had to tell me everything they knew, and then I would hijack a vessel and search for those who had killed him and my heart, and no one would escape my revenge. Probably I would die trying, but that would only be a final mercy of the Force. Finitely I would be with him then.

I ran through the Temple like a fool, using every shortcut I knew on my way to the Council Hall. Realization hit me a second to late as I tumbled through the Memory Hall, the room where fallen Jedi were praised, and before I could turn around to take a longer way I stood face to face with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I fell on my knees in front of him, again heavy sobs making my throat burn, although I felt like I could never cry again. The statue was made of pale white marble, and only the slightest trace of freckles lacked to the exact tone of his skin. He held his saber, but it rather looked like he would toss it away in a moment to negotiate before he fought. Always giving his opponent the chance to declare himself…

On a flagstone to his feet a few engraved lines shone dimly in the candles' twilight.

_Obi-Wan Kenobi_

_57 BBY-23 BBY_

_General of the Clones_

_Jedi Master of the Republic_

_You lack_

Such simple words for such a wonderful man, and yet they told everything.

I remained in front of his statue for hours, maybe for a lifetime, kneeling in front of my Master, telling him all the things I should have told him long ago. How sorry I was for our fights, and that I started up arguments even when I knew he was right. I guess I simply wanted him to perceive me, even if his sea-blue eyes were clouded by disapproval. How much I had enjoyed the sparring with him, and how much I had learned in every second I spent with him. How great it had been to just sit at the kitchen table together, maybe I did my homework or tinkered around on a gadget, maybe he read or wrote a mission report, or maybe we just talked, joked and laughed together. How close he was to my imagination of the perfect Jedi, no, the perfect man, and how his oblivious beauty sometimes had made me shiver. Finally, how much I loved him, how blasted hopeless it had always been, how desperately I had tried to deny my feelings and how desperately I had failed. How much I missed him now, how much every breath ached without him…

I only noticed the tiny green being when it knelt down next to me, gimer stick in his hands and eyes clouded with sadness.

"Hard it is, young Skywalker. Hard, it always will be. But accept your pain you must. To make you turn, he wouldn't want to."

I nodded and closed my swollen eyes to concentrate, but the Force seemed far like heaven to me. I couldn't reach it to release my emotions, and had to admit to myself that I didn't really want to. If it was only the pain that was left of him, I would keep it, cherish it and love it, for t reminded me of whom I'd lost.

"Time, it will take, young one, but proceed, you will. A new Master you need."

My voice was husky, I had not used it for two weeks, well, except of crying, but the determination and defiance made Yoda nod in understanding, and I hated him for that.

"I don't want another Master! I don't want someone else!"

"Time, we will give you, but run away, you can not. To live on, you have to, like want you to, Obi-Wan would."

"Please, Master Yoda, tell me about…tell me what happened."

"To know it, you need not, Padawan Skywalker. Only pain, this will cause."

"To know it, I have…um, sorry. I have to know it, Master, I need to know how he died. Please, tell me."

His green eyes fixated me, but with all their power and wisdom they had not the ability to look straight into my heart, like those familiar sea-blue eyes had been able to.

"Tell you, I will, if promise me, you do, that revenge you will seek not."

And with the almost in all its unexpection expected crashing pain in my heart, another memory ricocheted from my mind.

"_Force, Anakin, this rotten engine won't start!"_

"_I know, Master. I fear the accelerator's broken."_

"_Well, we'll have to stay here until someone answers our emergency call."_

_I gazed around the small, cozy clearing. We had made a forced landing on Ianoo, an uncivilized and nearly unoccupied planet it the Outer Rim._

"_I like it here."_

"_Let's see if you still like it here in weeks. Force, we should be on Echnandi now…"_

"_Oh, come on, don't tell me you're not fed up with all those negotiations, too. In fact, it is really time for some vacation!"_

_He gave me a crooked grin and my sixteen-year-old heart leaped. Weeks alone with Obi-Wan Kenobi in the wilderness sounded like paradise to me._

"_Ok, then let's call this vacations."_

_We built ourselves a small fireplace and shared the lunch we had brought with us. The night fell like a shady, midnight-blue cloth over the planet, and despite the fire I soon shivered with cold._

_Obi-Wan smiled leniently. _

"_Oh, my desert boy…come here."_

_Sure it was not only the cold that made me end up in Obi-Wan's arms with pleasure. He covered me with his robe and pulled me close to his always-warm chest. He was never cold, not in blizzards or downpours, it was like a small sun, a fire would burn underneath his marble skin. I snuggled deeply into his embrace, inhaling the scent of peppermint and honey and home, feeling as happy as one stranded could be._

_Obi-Wan was gently rubbing my arms, and a gentle warmth, not only of the fire filled my veins and made me blush. I wouldn't bear it I he left me, because only in his arms I felt safe._

"_Master?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_How did you…how did you feel when Qui-Gon died?"_

_He said nothing for a long time, but I knew I had not insulted him for his hands were still stroking my arms. He jut wondered how to put it right._

"_It was like…it was like everything I had believed in would have vanished. I was not sure if I could bear it. Sometimes I woke up in the morning but couldn't bring myself to standing up, because I knew only another day without him waited for me. But with his last breath, Qui-Gon had left me something, the most precious gift I ever got. You. I had to care for you, I had to be an apt Master for you, and you needed me. At first it wasn't pretty easy. I couldn't cope with myself, how should I cope with you and your problems, but with every day, it got better and better, and finally you managed to make me smile again."_

_He hugged me tighter, sending warm waves of affection through our bond, his head resting on my shoulder. I pulled his hands closer around me._

"_Were you…had you never…"_

_I didn't know how to ask , it would definitely sound like an insult, but he seemed to have understood, and his low breathing caressed my neck as he spoke._

"_When I fought with the Sith who had killed my Master, I was so full…overwhelmed by fury and agony that I could barely breathe, let alone reach for the Force. He could as well have fought a youngling…He managed to shove me down a shaft. I had lost my lightsaber and clung on a small ledge while he tried to reach me. And suddenly, when I realized that in fact I didn't stand a chance, there was this idea in my mind. I grabbed for the Force, without despair, just with the dry realization that it was my only option, and jumped. Qui-Gon's lightsaber flew in my hands and I stabbed out…and I killed him."_

_Not many people would have realized the soft, involuntary shiver, and I pulled him closer to me. He had never told me this story before, and maybe he had never told it to anyone._

"_This was the first and the last time I got tainted by the Dark Side, and somehow, was it luck or destiny, I managed to overcome it…"_

_We both stared into the dancing flames, deep in thoughts, and I felt Obi-Wan's natural light and peace chafe my spirit. As I spoke, however, my voice was as weak and small as I would feel without him._

"_Master, I…I fear that…if you died…I wouldn't be able to overcome it…"_

"_No, my Anakin, you would. You are so much stronger than I was when I had your age. You are the pure light, Ani, and you always will be."_

"_But without you…"_

"_You will never be without me, Anakin. I'll be there as long as you want me to, inside your heart, as you are in mine. Forever."_

"_Promise?"_

"_Promise."_

I twinkled. I had completely forgotten that Master Yoda still stood next to me, waiting for an answer. He had not urged me to speak, and his green eyes were directed attentively on my face, as if he knew what was going on inside of me.

"I will not seek for vengeance, Master Yoda. I promise."

"_Promise?"_

"_Promise."_

He smiled, obviously pleased.

"A wise mentor, you had, young Skywalker."

With a sigh, he sat down next to me, legs clenched and chin resting on his gimer stick.

"On his way home, attacked, Obi-Wan's spacecraft was. The attacker, the Malevolence was."

I shuddered. Everybody knew this vessel was under the flag of the Sith.

"Asajj Ventress, the leader of the maneuver was. Know that Obi-Wan would come, she did. Destroyed, the ship was by the cannons of the Malevolence. No survivors, there were."

A terrible picture filled my mind, and an icy hand clenched around my heart. Obi-Wan vanishing in a gigantic crimson fireball, Obi-Wan moving his cherubic features for the last time, Obi-Wan closing his beautiful sea-blue eyes forever…

I jumped up and raced down the aisle without knowing where I went, just away from Yoda, away from the room, away from the pain, away from myself.

As I broke down I felt grass under my hands, obviously I had run to the Gardens of Meditation. I sobbed, choked and retched, but there was nothing I could vomit for I had not eaten for days.

"Master…", I whispered, "Master, Master, Master, please, come back…I told you…I can't…Master…"

I fell asleep some time, exhausted of crying, or maybe I just lost consciousness. As I woke up again, my mind sleepy and slow, it took some time until the realization hit me like a saber blow. He was gone. He was gone, and he would never come back.

Reeling I sat up and crossed my feet, doing something Obi-Wan had always demanded from me, but never before I had done it voluntarily. I meditated, and after a minute, or maybe an eternity, I knew exactly what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

Hello everyone,

After a lot of you asked me for a _happy_ chapter, for a change, I'm now uploading…the crescendo of sad *mwahaha*

But after that, it will get better, I promise! And the last time I looked in the mirror I was neither Hutt, nor Sith Lord, so you can trust me :-)

Please leave me a review, or…darn, I'm running out of threats… I'm most definitely not a Sith Lord! :-)

And I'm awfully sorry for this being so short, somehow I failed desperately to separate the story somewhere else…but at least there's actually something happening in here! Surprise, surprise!

* * *

The vessel reeled and bucked under my trembling fingers. I smiled bitterly. What irony that now even spacecrafts ceased to follow my wishes. I gazed through a window down to the flashing lights of Coruscant, and the other starships and Speeders looked like grains of sand to me. Straight under my position, there was an abandoned place, there once had been be a factory that closed down years ago. Straight there Obi-Wan had taught me to fly a Speeder. His voice filled my mind like a comforting haze.

"_I'm sorry, Padawan, but I'm not too keen on flying. I fear you will have to do a circuit on your own now…"_

How his laughter had lit up the place as I had hugged him fiercely, amazed by the feeling of the airstream in my hair…

He wouldn't have liked to die in a spacecraft, I had always teased him for his crinkled brows and murmured curses when he had to enter a spacecraft just to fly like a god right then, or probably he rather would have used this for admonishing me:

"_See, Padawan? Flying is for droids."_

The cold fist around my heart tightened. If he had died in the air, I would die there, too.

I wasn't proud of my decision, I hated to disappoint my Master, and he would certainly want me to live, but what was life without him?

A line of one of his favorite songs came to my mind.

"_With all without you, ooh, I can't live with all without you…"_

No one could fill the gap he had left, no one could replace him, and without him, my life was senseless. So the only thing I could do was stop living.

"Please forgive me, Obi-Wan."

I closed my weary eyes, inhaled deeply and pushed the lever down.

The spacecraft shot downwards, and I was ten again, my stomach somersaulting of the adrenalin jolt, and the airstream lit a small smile on my tear-stained face, I'm coming, Obi-Wan, I'm coming…

"_Noooo, Anakin!" A painful cry, a distorted face, bruised and slashed, blood everywhere, teeth gritted to suppress the yell of agony, desperate, broken sea-blue eyes, oh, these eyes…_

My hands shot forward and dragged the lever back, I heard the shriek of Durasteel on stone as I grazed the floor, the Speeder twisted and reeled, but it won height reluctantly and I managed a crash landing next to a bunch of metal debris.

My heart was pounding in my chest like a drum solo and I panted heavily, eyes fixed on my own pale hands on the steering wheel. That had definitely been the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi!

Had it been an imagination of my wary mind, a last twinge of remorse, a last vain attempt of my heart to be kept alive? But it had been so real…so real, and the blood, the yell…I couldn't have invented this. Could it be, could it really be that this had been a vision? A real vision?

But that would mean…and my heart writhed under the tiny yet lethal bit of hope that lurked under my skin like a sunray in eternal night, that would mean that he was not…

I didn't dare to think on, afraid of the agony of seeing my stupid hope shattered, instead I followed the only thing of me that still seemed to work alright and that took the led right now: My instincts.

I restarted the engines of the starship and shot out into space.

***

I was forcing the engines to their limits, only one thing in my mind: I had to reach the place where the Malevolence had attacked. It was, even put mildly, a very thin hope I clang to, but it was all that kept me alive, and so I was rushing through space and time towards Dartein, the last known whereabouts of my Master, although I didn't really know what I was looking for. Does it sound pathetic if I said I followed my heart? Well, I can't change it, because that is what described my behavior the best.

Several times my CommLink beeped.

"Padawan Skywalker, please answer. Padawan Skywalker, please return to the Temple immediately."

But it didn't really bother me. Nothing bothered me right now but to find Obi-Wan, or at least something that showed me how foolish I was.

Some hours later a planet appeared in front of me, and although I had not even made half the way to Dartein I had the strong feeling to land.

"_Listen to your instincts, Padawan."_

"_And now comes the Qui-Gon-Jinn-Quote: Feel, don't think!"_

_Amused sea-blue eyes met mine as I took off the blindfolding helmet and stared angrily towards the training droid who seemed to enjoy shooting laser buzzes on me._

"_Well, what is it my fault that Qui-Gon was a wise man? An what is it my fault that you rather tend to listen to someone else than me?"_

"_Alright, my instincts tell me to smash the droid, clobber you with this ridiculous helmet and then get away as fast as possible."_

_He chuckled._

"_Ok, I admit, Qui-Gon was wrong with this. Trust your instincts, but only as far as you stay in legality. And trust on me to get _you_ clobbered in seconds, with or without blindfold."_

"_Is that a competition?"_

"_No, that's a warning…and that's a pretty agile droid, indeed."_

_His laughter echoed from the walls as the sith-blasted droid got me again, but then he turned off the machine under wild cursing from my part._

"_Alright, Padawan, now I trust _my_ instincts, and they tell me that if I don't want to lose you to the Sith, I should stop immediately and invite you to a big piece of Muja Cake in the cafeteria."_

"_Now you say something, Master…Qui-Gon was a wise man, indeed!"_

As I lowered the vessel carefully towards the battered landing platform I tried in vain to swallow the lump that had settled in my throat for I knew exactly what Obi-Wan would have said to my decision.

_Cunning sea-blue eyes and a crooked grin that always indicated the much-cited, dry and very special Obi-Wan-Kenobi-Humor, and my own lips would melt to a grin inevitably as I would eagerly expect the punchline that made him smile so cherubically…_

"_Well, well, Padawan, you should have told me this years ago! I only have to kick the bucket to make you listen to me!"_


	6. Chapter 6

Hey you all,

Next chapter uploaded! Tomorrow I will leave for one week holidays in Italy with my class, so wish me luck and good weather…and please leave me a review, d'accordo? Vi amo! (The bad thing is...that's it with my Italian knowledge! I fear I'm gonna starve, or at least start a Mafia fray with the simple attempt to order a cup of cappucchino…)

So if you leave me a review, I have at least something to be happy about before I die :-)

* * *

Smiling bitterly, I landed the vessel on a raw, weathered landing platform. The planet was cold and dry, and already seconds after I had left my starship I felt gooseflesh on my skin. Now I would have really needed Obi-Wan's arms around me…

Nobody hindered me of leaving the landing hangar, I didn't even have to prove my identity, neither was there any station for paying the landing fee, what was pretty good for I had no single Credit in my pockets.

The first building I spotted when I stepped out under the sunless sky was straight across the cobbled street. A huge nameplate on the flat roof made me gasp.

"National Space Police Lienii"

Lienii. I shuddered. The planet I had accidentally chosen to land was known for its close connections to the Seperatists, and thereby to the Dark Side. I should immediately cross out the "accidentally". This couldn't have been a fluke. My natural instincts told me to leave as long as I could, for now I felt the humming presence of something evil in this city, but in front of me, there was the Space Police…They would know about the attack, it couldn't have happened far from here.

I knew I was being foolish, but on the other hand my whole plan based on the foolery of a vague hope, and I didn't have anything left to lose, so what should stop me from simply walking in there and threaten everyone until they told me what I wanted to know?

"_Think before you act, Padawan, I beg you! And if it's the first time in your life!"_

_I stared at my Master with blank looks. Why was it wrong to dismantle my bedside lamp? I just needed the battery for my half-ready droid and…_

"_How about switching off the lamp first? You'll be electrocuted!"_

Well, that was something I most definitely did not want to happen, and neither did I today. I knew that Obi-Wan would certainly have liked the idea that there was actually something he had taught me: Think before you act. So I needed a plan right now. I wanted to know everything about the assault, so I would do best to search for the archives… if they had one.

I was quite sure that they wouldn't simply let me scoop their documents, not even if I proved my identity as a Jedi…or maybe exactly not then, if I assumed correctly that Lienii was hand in glove with the Dark Side.

Sure I could just break into the bunker, but it was too large to find the archives in time for an inconspicuous escape. And then it hit me.

I stood a chance, but maybe I'd rather try to persuade Master Windu to a ballet lesson, that seemed more promising to me right now. What I had in my mind was a bluff based on two things: My own bravado - and the dumbness of some officers.

"No unauthorized persons in this area."

The dark hood hided my unbelieving frown. What jerk of an officer could chose a Reilian for a guarding job? The race was known for the instance that even children could frighten them to death…and I was nothing more, I guess.

"Oh, why do you assume I'm unauthorized?"

I was definitely proud on the dark growl that escaped my throat. Countless afternoons of imitating voices with Obi-Wan could actually proved themselves useful right now, although I still hadn't managed to mimic Master Yoda, because every time I tried, Obi-Wan inevitably suffered from a laughing fit.

"_Never learn it, you will."_

'A fool he is', I thought sourly, but then immediately focused on my performance.

"I'm here on request of the Count himself. He still bears some…traces of mistrust for Asajj Ventress. I'm sent to fetch the reports about 'Operation Kenobi'."

The Reilian stared at me, obviously frozen.

"I…I don't know…I…I have orders to let no one in the archives…"

"Oh, and I have orders to…do away anyone who could cause some sort of…problems. You don't want to cause problems, do you?"

Probably I should try my luck as a Sith Lord later, because the guard was shivering under my menacing glare.

"No problems…yes…I'm sorry…come with me."

He tripled in front of me along small and almost empty floors until we reached a closed Durasteel door.

"The archives, Sir…help yourself, and then…just go, please…inconspicuously, if you don't mind."

"The Count will remember your obedience."

I guess I had just watched 'The Godfather' a little bit too often, but Obi-Wan really liked that Holovid, and at least I had not come up with "It's no good turning on your family, Luigi!"

_Obi-Wan…_

With trembling fingers I slapped through the bunches of documents and data until the title of a thin folder caught my eye.

"Malevolence"

""

General Obi-Wan Kenobi. That fit.

When I finally entered my starship again I couldn't believe my luck. _That_ had been a maneuver Obi-Wan would _definitely_ have killed me for. I activated the auto-pilot function and feverishly read the first lines of the document.

_Jedi-Spacecraft (20 Clones, 2 Pilots, Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi) exploded above Lienii; Fire: Malevolence (Dooku/Ventress); Survivors:/_

My heart beat like a drum roll and I glanced at the simple words furiously.

"That's not true…that can't be true!"

_Malevolence passing, no pursuit._

_Dir.: Sinon(?)_

"Oh sure, no pursuit! Because you know exactly where they are, and because you're paid well for belting-up!"

"_Control your anger, Padawan."_

"_I don't want to control my anger, I want to go and beat the hell out of Ferus…!"_

"_And then he would blow back, and you'd seek revenge, and I'd give you the lecture of your life, Ani."_

_He smirked at my pained expression._

"_Let him be, Anakin. He's just as important as you treat him."_

"_He's nothing!"_

"_Then act like that. And now come here. Let's see if there's something better than beating the hell out of Initiate Olin…maybe something like…flying lessons?"_

_I couldn't help the small grin that spread across my face, no matter how hard I tried to glare lethally. Obi-Wan smiled._

"_It's good to know that I can always bribe you with flying lessons if you show tendencies of becoming a Sith Lord!"_

My fury vanished, melted away by the bittersweet memories, the crucial mixture of heavenly joy and boundless grief. Obi-Wan guided me, even if he was not there…and yet I could not imagine living without him. I breathed deeply to calm myself, then I set the board unit on Sinon. If there was a trace that could lead me to Obi-Wan, it would be the Malevolence.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys,

Pretty long time for my standards…usually I'm just too keen on reviews to exercise myself in Jedi- patience-yes-alright-Master-Kenobi-I-got-your-lesson, but these days I'd had hardly enough time to moan "How uncivilized!" while I rushed from event to event…poor me!

This is another mushy chapter, if you stick with the fingers on your mouse, it's just because the schmaltziness of this story has reached a new epitome! But in the next chapter, everything will get better, promise…I actually play with the thought of making something explode!

Please leave me a review- and don't tell me you're all Toydarians like Watto, and Mind Control doesn't work with you :-)

* * *

As I flew through space and time, past stars and planets that shimmered in the most splendid colors a human being could think of, rusty, crimson, slate, ochre, indigo blue, but none of them as vertiginous as his eyes, I clang to every memory that came to my mind. They caressed my torn heart and mind, kept me awake and away from the growling despair in my chest that told me with a crescendoing persistence that I chased ghosts.

I crossed an almost emerald planet , so close to me that it felt like I would only have to stretch my fingers to touch the tiny white sailboats on the ocean, and it reminded me of Clatya, one of my first missions together with Obi-Wan.

I remembered how I had beamed with pride, now, with almost fourteen, I was finally old enough to accompany my Master, to help him, to show him what I'd learned and, most of all, not to be left behind. You can lay the blame on Watto, on my years in slavery, on my mother, on Qui-Gon's demise, I don't know. All I knew was that it almost ached physically to see Obi-Wan enter a spacecraft, waving goodbye to me, and I never could be sure if he returned.

It didn't matter if he hugged my trembling frame, cupped my tear-stained face and promised with honesty radiating from his eyes that he would be back soon, and then he would tell me all about his mission and he would bring me awesome souvenirs and we would watch a HoloVid together and make pancakes with loads of chocolate cream, it didn't matter that he called every day at the beginning, and at least twice as I became older, it didn't matter that he always, always came back, sometimes limping, sometimes blood-covered, sometimes so shaken that he wouldn't talk for days, and always exhausted, but back, alive and with me, it didn't matter. As soon as he entered the spacecraft again and waved, the same childish fears took hold of my heart, that he would leave and never come back. In fact I had been right. I had always known.

On Clatya I could finally be with him and on my guard that no one would dare to take him away from me. We had went there to communicate with a local tribe to make them sign the treaty with the galactic parliament, but unluckily the Droid that had been meant to translate was out of order. Obi-Wan should never find out that I had, well screwed around a little bit before…or maybe he knew, for I had never managed to keep a secret hidden from him…well, except the one that had made me end up here on a probably lost quest for a lost man.

I wanted to travel Coruscant for we couldn't do anything on Clatya. The tribe didn't speak Basic, I wasn't even sure if they spoke at all, to me it sounded suspiciously like blatant growling, and I tried to persuade Obi-Wan to at least request another Droid, but he refused. I thought he was just being stubborn, only the thought of giving up seemed to kill the ambitious General in him, but now I knew that there had been something else that made him return to the tribe even with bare hands.

In all the years later I should never find out how he had managed it, but after only two days we slept in the biggest tent and Obi-Wan was close to a marriage with the king's very tall and very, very furry daughter. He laughed and gestured around like a child, his eyes sparkled as light as I'd never seen them before and he looked so much more like thirty than usually. After a week the king signed the treaty, Obi-Wan had translated vividly, and as we left the camp we were packed with presents: Food, liquor, furs, necklaces and everything else one could imagine. Obviously even Obi-Wan had failed to explain that Jedi weren't allowed to gather possessions. I had never seen him happier before, and as I asked him about that he just smiled.

"_Those 'savages' are so much more humans than we are, Padawan."_

It took me some time to understand that.

It took me some time to understand why he grew a beard, too. It was not because he liked it. He never bothered about his outward appearance, and yet he always looked stunning, so the beard was definitely not kind of a twisted accessory, or something like that.

He grew it to look older, because his features always were boyish and gentle. However, everyone who looked in his eyes immediately forgot every first presumed verdancy, his face was the one of a youngling, in fact he was in his twenties, but by the look in his eyes one saw an older man, probably older than the whole galaxy, because he lived through a thousand years of pain. The maturity of suffering, featuring an almost unattainable wisdom in the naturally mesmerizing sea-blue twin orbs was a stark opposite to his face, and every time I gleamed with happiness if I managed to change the gravity in a simple, warm, beautiful smile.

He grew the beard to fit into the roundel of Masters, all at least thirty-five, experienced and dignified, because he hated being different. He never wanted to be the famed Sith-Killer. He never desired to be the fabled General Kenobi. He never attained to be a hero, but everyone knew he was.

And he never wanted to be the Master of the 'Chosen One', although he never showed me.

He had always scowled about being admired, or, like he had put it, had "a mild aversion" against it, for Jedi didn't know hatred, and the paragon of their virtues for sure didn't argue, he "exchanged opinions", he didn't curse, he "showed his displeasure", he didn't even rest, he "regained power". Stars, it had been heaven to tease him with his role-model Jedi life, and then he never pouted, oh no, he "let me think about my lack of respect without his disturbances". But that never worked, because somewhere in my meditations I burst out laughing about his very much pouting lower lip, and he couldn't help joining my laughing fit.

The only better aspect to wind him up was his fame, and all the fans that came along with his handsomeness, charm and success. How often had I danced around him, mimicking the girls' squeals when they saw him, although in truth jealousy stabbed my heart for there were simply too many beautiful women (and men!) bustling around him to stay cool, and I had always only stopped when he menaced with additional chores, ears as red as a SithLords lightsaber.

"They don't know me.", he always said.

"If they did, they'd immediately stop with all that fuzz."

I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't pretty sure about that.

I only noticed that my fists had clenched like chains around the steering wheel when the machine emitted a warning beep. I was about to squash the accelerator. Absently I released my grip.

I had to find him.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello there,

wooow, notice my genius brain, I just quoted Blink-182 by accident…but I won't continue with "the angel from my nightmare", promise! If I sound a little bit…umm…chaotic right now, that's because I've found out that my life is stupid: Either there is nothing happening for months and I half-wither in boredom, or it's like right now where I'd need to let me clone in order to do everything everyone expects of me at every time!

I hope you'll like this chapter, there is action in it…ACTION! I can't believe it myself!, and… well, please read it, and please, please, please review!

Hours, or maybe seconds later, I noticed the huge black shape of a spacecraft straight in front of me. It had to be the Malevolence, there were not many ships of that size around here, I wasn't at Coruscant any longer, and I didn't know if I'd ever come back there.

I didn't believe I could reach the ship without being noticed, and sure there were tractor rays in front of me, lurking in space to take the decision of what to do off my mind. I had to admit that my plan ended here. I had found the Malevolence, and something, maybe the Force or my own aching heart dragged me towards it irresistibly, but how?

"_Use what you have, Padawan." _

"_Oh, Master, don't come up with those Jedi platitudes right now. I really, really need a stronger battery for my droid model."_

"_I'm sorry to tell you that it's past ten, Anakin, and not even on this debauch of a planet you can buy gadgets in the middle of the night."_

"_Ha, you said 'debauch'! And you always tell me to mind my language!"_

"_That's not a swearword…and I'm the Master here, my very young and very, very unnerving Padawan! So…what about your shrewd habit to dismantle your bedside lamp in cases like this?"_

"_Tried it already, Master, but it's too weak. It makes my droid reel."_

"_Poor droid. Well, even if I'm sure I'll regret this and we'll both starve… how about trying the microwave?"_

"_The microwave? Wow…I didn't think about that, but…that could work!"_

"_I hope so, or we'll have another smashed kitchen appliance in vain."_

Use what you have…hm, what did I have? A spacecraft, small, but fast, with a rescue capsule…rescue capsule! If I shot the capsule with me inside just when the tractor ray hit the vessel…I'd drift towards the Malevolence…and if I then used my rope catapult to climb on the DuraSteel walls unseen…

They'd only find my empty vessel, probably they'd think it was a wreck, like the thousand tons of debris soaring around in space. It was risky, but it was the only plan I could think of that actually had a chance to work…if the Force was on my side.

The bad thing was that I had no idea how to leave the Malevolence later…but I would have time to sort out that problem, for sure. The voice of the reasonable part of my brain, which peculiarly sounded just like Obi-Wan, growled in frustration, but I couldn't care about that now. I had to find its real pattern.

The ship's engines stuttered and ebbed away as the tractor ray hit us, and my heart beat like a drum roll, but for a change I had a plan, a thing I could cling to, and so I climbed into the rescue capsule with shaky knees, but determined. I had to bend my knees so that they almost hit my nose, because the capsule was small, but as I pressed the button to free it, I thanked the Force for this incidence. If I had not been so stuck in the small space I would have been chucked through the air, because the released capsule soared in somersaults and whirls towards the Malevolence.

I didn't have much time, so I just pushed the Breather into my mouth, and as soon as I thought I could reach the daunting huge black walls I broke the DuraPlast and got immediately dragged out by the incredible force of vacuum's pull. Not even with breathing devices humans could survive long in space, but I did not plan on making vacations there.

I shot my whipcord on the hull of the gigantic spacecraft in front of me, and the jolt of the moored rope yanked heavily on my shoulder and stopped my aimless fall. Suddenly my arms grazed along something solid again, and blindly I grabbed for something, anything to cling to. A pipe served as my anchor, and I bent close to the surface of the Malevolence, trying desperately not to be blown away by the simple and tremendous power of space. I saw my vessel being pulled into a gate below me, and with a sudden jolt I realized that I had to reach the shutter as soon as possible, because it closed already, and then I'd be stranded on the outside of a hostile cruiser, with no possibility to come in, to find Obi-Wan.

_Obi-Wan…_

Later I should have no idea how, but somehow I found myself dangling from some large tubes on the ceiling of the landing hall, hidden behind a gigantic rotor and begging to the Force that the two men below me didn't strike on the idea to look up. As the gates were closed and the roaring wind had ebbed away I could understand what they shouted to each other while examining my empty spacecraft.

"Just another wreck, told ya. Ol' Dooku's getting' too nervous."

"Wanna see your face when the Jedi find out 'bout our…guest."

"No rotten Jedi here, told ya, they're blind. But fuckin' Kenobi's feigning muteness!"

"Ya, Huttshit. Dooku's getting' impatient. Guess Kenobi's gonna bite the dust soon. Doesn't wanna cooperate."

"Told ya he was the wrong pick. Fucking idealistic, the General. Gonna die, and he knows that, but won't let down his mates."

"Sounds like you admire him, Jiell. Don't let that hear Dooku!"

"Blast it, he's Jedi-Scum, Ackay. Rather kiss a Hutt than admire him. M'just saying he's been the wrong pick!"

"But he's the biggest loss for the Jedi. If he keeps his mouth shut, he dies…after a long suffering."

Both laughed and left the hangar while I tried to fight tears of bliss.

He was alive. He was really alive.

It took some time until I had my shaking limbs under control again, then I cautiously slumped down on the floor and took cover in the shadows of broken Speeders and half-repaired spacecrafts.

Although until now everything had worked almost incredibly well, I probably was in higher danger than I could estimate. Dooku and Ventress had to be somewhere here, and if they were on guard, they could sense my presence in the Force in every very moment. I could only count on the element of surprise. And then I saw something that minored the risk of being detected, something that gave me the chance to examine the ship inconspicuously…but something that could turn into a lethal trap, too.

Well, it was most definitely better than strolling around in the corridors, chanting "Who's afraid of the big, bad Sith?", and so I carefully dismounted the grille and slipped into the dark, dusty ventilation shaft.

I crawled forward as carefully as I could, and luckily the roaring of the engines drowned out every sound my knees and elbows made on the DuraSteel. Several times I passed other grilles, but the corridors and rooms below were empty and silent.

What worried me was that I could not feel Obi-Wan through our bond, sure I had not felt him on Coruscant, too, but there had been the half galaxy between us. I could not release my shields, I didn't want to arouse attention, and so I could not use the Force as boundlessly as usual, but still I felt the low, dark vibrancies of Dooku and Ventress somewhere around me. If I had not known that they were near me I would have missed the indications, so I had a real chance that they didn't notice me at all.

But Obi-Wan…I knew that he was close to me, too, and usually he shone like a sun in the Force…probably he was so weak that he couldn't use the Force…probably he was too weak…

Focus, Anakin! Until now my heart had been my only, but reliable guide, and this time it routed me deeper inside the ship, dragged me unhesitatingly down in the black innards of the evil vessel.

Suddenly I heard voices below me, and as I reached the next grille I saw two men, one Humanoid and one kind of reptilian, both armored to the teeth and patrolling in front of a huge DuraSteel door.

"She's na comin' out."

"Been down there for quit' a long time. Poor Jedi. Wouldn't wanna be 'lone with her."

"Me neither. What's she doing with him? You never hear a sound."

"Jedi-Scum and their blasted self-control. Or he's not alive enough to cry, dunno."

Suddenly they both flinched and stood to attention as the door slid open.

A sudden shiver covered my body, and I knew that the watchmen trembled, too. Ventress looked even more furious than usual, and her ice-blue eyes gleamed with hatred.

"Blasted dregs Kenobi! Doesn't even react! I knew from the start that he wouldn't cooperate!"

The two guards seemed to shrink under her malicious glare.

"You, close the doors. You'll never have to open them again!"

My heart skipped a beat. Had I come too late? I shoved myself further, and the air got colder and colder.

"I'm coming, Obi-Wan!"


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Hey you all,

Sorry for the long wait! I'm just terribly busy right now, but he end of the year is approaching rapidly, and then…HOLIDAYS! Yay!

I hope you're not too annoyed with me, and I hope you'll like this chapter! Please review and make me happy :-)

* * *

"_Do you need help, Padawan?"_

"_No, thank you, Master. I can do it alone."_

_An exasperated sigh as he watched me struggling with a huge box of droid pieces that I wanted to lift on a shelf of my room. Suddenly there were supporting hands next to mine, and together we managed to stow the box away. I panted a little and shuffled my feet embarrassedly._

"…_thank you, Master."_

_I felt the warmth of his grin radiate through our bond._

"_You're always welcome…stubborn fool."_

_And as he hugged me casually, I grinned, too._

And as always my Master had been right.

I needed help. I couldn't count on my lucky star again, or on the kindness of the Force, or whatever. I would never managed getting a heavily injured Obi-Wan past all those soldiers and droids and Dark Jedi and Sith Lords and whatsoever.

Everything was silent around me, so I dragged out my CommLink.

"Padawan Skywalker to the Council. Masters, can you hear me?"

"Where the Force have you been, Initiate Skywalker?"

I covered the speaker with my hands.

"Sshh! I'm sorry, Master Windu. I'm aboard the Malevolence. Master Obi-Wan lives!"

"What? Padawan Skywalker, I…"

"Sshh! I've got no time, Master. I need some help to get him out of here. Are there any teams around Sinon at the moment?"

"Yes…Vos/Secura and Johnson/Xylion should be around. But what the…"

Please send them to the Malevolence. Dooku's here, and Asajj Ventress. I'm in the dungeons, in the lowest floor. They can come through the ventilation pipes."

"Padawan Skywalker, I…"

"Please, Master Windu. You have to trust me. Just this one time. I swear I'm not lying! Obi-Wan is here!"

A long silence which made me want to throw the CommLink away, then…

""Alright, Padawan Skywalker, I'll contact them. Don't do anything until they are with you!"

My voice trembled with gratitude.

"Thank you, Master Windu!"

"Anakin? May…May the Force be with you. Windu over."

And with a last rustle he vanished.

I really wanted to wait for the other Jedi to arrive, and I knew that I didn't stand a chance alone, but the words Ventress had sneered haunted me.

"…never have to open them again…"

I simply had to check on Obi-Wan, I had to see him breathe, had to see him alive, had to see him at all. I wouldn't try to move him out alone…but I could wait in his cell, too…or whatever they kept him in.

I knew that I was on the right way as I saw another watchman, leaning nonchalantly against a wall in front of thick, rusty bars, and behind them…

My heart stopped in a cold, wrenching rigor as I saw his face again.

They had tied him on the ceiling with thick iron chains tightened around his wrists, and his body hang down motionlessly, the long hair half-covering his face, but what I saw made me want to scream.

His eyes were closed and he was pale as death, gaunt and emaciated, his forehead and cheek stained with dried crimson blood that dripped from a deep slash on his temple. His hair was blood-red, too, because of another wound on the back of his head, and from the corner of his moth leaked a thin, scarlet stream, a stark opposite against the almost translucent pallor of his skin.

His body was covered with severe bruises, no inch of skin seemed to be unharmed, and his left leg was bent in an unnatural angle, but my eyes were caught immediately by the hole in his tunic, just a blink above his heart…and now I realized that the floor around him was full of blood, too.

He couldn't have survived this torture. The blood…all the injuries…nobody could endure things like that.

And then, and it seemed to me like the whole galaxy would step back and marvel, his lids fluttered softly, almost invisibly, but they fluttered, and I knew, I had finally seen with my own teary eyes that he was alive, and I broke down in the shaft, a mute cry on my lips, a praise to every deity I knew, because he was alive. He was alive.

Suddenly I heard low cries and blaster shots behind me and the watchman straightened up. That had to be the other Jedi, and I immediately took my chance.

In one fluid movement, just as he had taught me, I whirled through the room, the watchman got hit with my boots on his head and fell backwards without a sound, I cut the bars, sliced the chains around Obi-Wan's sore wrists and cautiously caught his limb body.

"Master…"

He tried to open his eyes, but failed, instead he moved his lips and I bent down to feel his low, warm breath on my cheek.

"Knew you would…find…me…Anakin…"

Then he lost consciousness and I clang to him, sobbing like a child and trembling like a leave, inhaling the familiar, unexpellable scent of peppermint and honey, the scent of home.

Suddenly there were two rays of light glowing in the dark corridor, and I recognized Quinlan Vos with his Padawan Aayla Secura.

"Anakin…Obi-Wan!"

The Jedi Master fell on his knees, his trembling hands feeling Obi-Wan's pulse. I saw a single tear crossing the tattoos on his face and remembered that he was a close friend to Obi-Wan, too.

"We have to get him out of here. Anakin…can you carry him? Aayla and I will shield you."

He was almost worryingly easy to carry, and I felt through his flapping, torn tunic how much weight he had lost, but he was there, head safely buried on my chest, and despite all tortures, all injuries he was beautiful like an angel.

The corridors were empty and as we reached the landing hangar, I saw why.

Niellan Johnson and his Padawan Evence Xylion had done a good job. The wreck of a huge spacecraft burned, and the two Jedi stood behind it, force-pushing huge fragments forward so that the soldiers couldn't reach them. As they saw us Evence immediately jumped I a smaller but intact spacecraft, his Master followed. Quinlan understood immediately , he and Aayla shot their whipcords on the vessel and grabbed me while shielding my back, and before I could think I slumped down inside the spacecraft, the gates closed and we shot out into Hyperspace.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey you all, last chapter before I'm off for the USA! Yay! But three weeks is a little bit long...I'm gonna miss my boyfriend so much :-( Well, at least I learn to sympathize with Anakin through this! Please send me a lot of reviews, I need something to cheer me up!

* * *

I let my hand run through the ginger hair, caressed his soft, bearded cheeks and crossed my fingers with his. He was in the Healers' Ward for a week now, but still he had not opened his eyes. They wouldn't tell me what exactly kept him unconscious, but they didn't send me away ,either, and I was grateful for that. I had not left Obi-Wan's side for more than five minutes since we had come here, I even slept there, next to him, ready to jerk up at the beep of one of the gadgets that kept him alive.

He looked so young in his slumber, so innocent and vulnerable, and his whole body was covered with bandages. Time went by, but it didn't matter to me. He was alive and I was with him. That was all I needed.

Suddenly, I had completely lost the track of time, the door opened and Bant slid in the room. I had the hunch that I had only been allowed to stay close to Obi-Wan because of her, the other healers all shot me with disapproving glances, but Bant only nodded sadly and brought me food or a cup of tea by times.

"How are you, Anakin?"

"I hadn't used my voice for a long time, so it sounded husky and low and peculiarly foreign to my ears.

"I'm fine. How is he?"

Her silver eyes darkened, and she tried to avoid my gaze.

"Tell me, Bant. Please."

She sat down next to me, one hand on my shoulder.

"Anakin, I…we don't know if he'll make it. He is so weak, and he has lost so much blood. The stab missed his heart merely by centimeters, and he suffers from a scull fracture. Truth to tell…it would be a miracle if he woke up again."

I couldn't think, I couldn't make sense of her words, and most of all, I couldn't cry anymore.

"But…but he was awake! He…he talked to me…"

I knew I sounded like a whining boy, but it didn't matter to me.

"Anakin…"

Her voice was soft.

"Anakin, are you sure that you have not just…well, imagined that? It's impossible that he could be conscious to that time."

"I'm not crazy, Bant! He talked to me! He told me he knew that I would come! This was real!"

Now a single tear escaped from her clouded eyes, and I was immediately sorry for having yelled at her. She had known Obi-Wan since before I was born, and she only tried to help.

"The thing is…we don't know how much his brain has suffered. Even if he woke up…"

She noticed the glimpse of hope in my eyes.

"…even if a miracle happened, he would probably not recognize you, Anakin. He would be confined to bed, unable to eat or drink or simply breath on his own. This…this is not what he wanted."

The lump in my throat choked me.

"He…he would have wanted to die fighting. He would…he wouldn't want to be a burden. I know, Bant, but…"

What were there 'buts', but my own childish wishes, no, needs?

"I know, Anakin, but…we think that it would probably make more sense to turn out the life-supporting system…he would feel no pain."

"Please…let me time…I need…"

I couldn't tell her what I wanted, what I needed, it was not rational, not the Jedi way, it was just that I knew I would die if he did.

She squeezed my arm sympathetically.

"Sure, Anakin. We give you time to…say good-bye."

"_Ani? What the Force are you doing here?"_

" _I…I just wanted to say goodbye, Master."_

_I hung my head. It had been a stupid idea to skip my classes and come to the landing hangar, I should have known that Obi-Wan didn't want me here, a whining baby boy, a drag that never let him alone, but I was so afraid that he wouldn't come back, like Qui-Gon, like my mum, they all had left me, so why shouldn't he?_

_Strong hands gently squeezing me against a warm, of peppermint and honey smelling chest._

"_Don't worry, Ani. I won't be away for long, I promise. And when I come back, I'll bring a HoloVid and we'll make popcorn, ok?"_

_I sniffled, but felt better now. He had actually never broken a promise._

"_Ok, Master. Goodbye."_

_He ruffled my hair, then climbed the stairs into the spacecraft._

"_Goodbye, Padawan."_

_I had followed the small, silver vessel with my eyes until they began to water a little, and as I twinkled, the spacecraft was gone._

I had been ten, and it had broken my heart, because one could never know if he really came back. But he did, he always did, and then he brought me beautiful pebbles or some foreign cookies or just a smile and a warm hug and the most amazing stories I'd ever heard. Nevertheless, it had always hurt when he left, although it was never for long.

But this time it would be forever.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey you all,

I'm back :-) I'm not sure if that's a course for rejoicing for you…but I'm happy to be here again, although I almost wouldn't have survived the reunion with my boyfriend…he nearly threw me down the stairs :-)

The song (Sith!!! My romances end up as Angst, my angsty pieces end up as Songfics…NOW would be the apt moment to take my keyboard in detention!) is Anakin's version of "With or without you" by U2…the reason why I chose the title of the story. I know the original text is a little bit different, but well…it's Anakin! When did he ever care about rules???

I simply looked at him, trying to memorize every inch of his skin, every freckle, every tiny scar, every streak of ginger hair, and with every part of his body, a new memory came into my mind, memories of better days, memories of bad days, too, memories of conciliating, memories of shouting and cursing, memories of teary eyes and awkward hugs, memories of singing "Happy Birthday" and baking cakes, memories of trembling in front of the Council and joking afterwards, memories of chocolate cream and burned toast, memories of summer sun and sunburns, memories of fever and cold, memories of sparring and meditating, memories of embraces after nightmares and soft tissues, memories of sweet tea and sour notes, memories of triumphing and failing and the peculiar feeling in between, memories of things that united us and of things that tore us apart, and, most of all, memories of memories.

I had lost him, and I had found him, just to lose him now again. It simply wasn't fair.

"Oh Master…why?"

I laid my head on his chest, carefully not to hurt him, although I wasn't sure if he still felt any pain, and every beat of his heart was like a stab in mine, because I knew that they were numbered until this brave, compassionate, wonderful heart would be silent forever. Even through the clinic smell of bandages, medicine and sadness, his marble skin still carried the faintest, lingering fragrance of peppermint and honey, unharmed even by death lurking in the room.

He wouldn't have liked to die in the Healers' Ward, I guess he would even have preferred a spacecraft. Not even Bant, who was his best friend, could drag him to a checkup without cursing and threatening to trim his beard.

"_Master? You are limping."_

"_I'm not! See?...Aaah!"_

_I helped him up while he avoided my half-amused, half-worried gaze._

"_Even Master Yoda walks more upright than you."_

"_Well, I'm getting old, Padawan. Soon you'll have to drive me around in a wheelchair."_

_The next day I came home, expecting the habitual half-hearted lecture about coming home late, hoping that he'd ruffle my hair after that performance of masterly severity, and ask me if I'd like to go out for dinner, but all I found were deserted rooms. _

_After three hours of chasing around the Temple like mad, looking everywhere, even in the ladies' refreshers (one could never be sure enough) and asking everyone I knew (Master Windu ignored me, Master Jocasta Nu told me to look up the whereabouts of my Master, Master Vos suggested searching in the local brothels and that he'd love to accompany me, and Master Yoda mumbled something about "Always in motion, your Master is, young Skywalker.") I finally landed in the Healers' Ward, where a rather annoyed healer informed me that Obi-Wan had run a severe fever due to a blood poisoning in his left leg after a Blaster shot. _

_When I rushed into his rooms, surprised to not find him tied up in a straightjacket, and undecided between the options of a crying fit or a full-fledged tantrum, he just smiled at me ruefully and very, very heart-rendingly._

"_I'm sorry, Padawan. I didn't want to worry you."_

_I almost had to handcuff him in his bed, because every time I left him out of sight, even only for a second, he jumped up like lightning, insisting that everything was "utterly ridiculous" and he felt "perfectly fine" – just to break down in my arms seconds later, pale as death and cursing like a bounty hunter._

_He had hated when people fuzzed about him, declaring that he was a Jedi and he didn't need anything to eat or drink or medicine or even care, and if after this furious sermon, there were still "attempts on his well-deserved rest" (that's what he called it when he couldn't stand up, however hard he might try)he tended to mumble grim curses or even throw things, one time he had hit me with his alarm clock as I asked for the twenty-seventh time if he'd like to have a cup of tea, only to call for me five minutes later and brush my bruised cheek with rueful eyes, telling me how sorry he was for his outburst. _

I couldn't hide a shaky smile. The truth was, for that gentle stroke of his thumb I would have let me pelt with the whole planet Tatooine.

It wasn't fair that he left me. There were so many things to do, so many words to say, so many moments we should share, and all I could do now was looking at his peaceful face and wait for the blighting moment when he would be finally taken away from me.

They had told me he certainly couldn't hear my words, wherever he was now, but that hadn't kept me from crying and sobbing on our first day here, begging him to open his eyes, oh please, just open his eyes for once, until my voice had cracked and I had collapsed on the sheets over his chest with red eyes and a dead heart.

All I could do for him now was to make his farewell as easy as possible, no matter if he perceived it or not, and without even thinking about it I started to sing.

_See the stone set in your eyes  
See the thorn twist in your side  
I wait for you_

My voice was hoarse from crying, and I had never been a good singer, but I knew he would have liked it.

_Sleight of hand and twist of fate  
On a bed of nails she made you wait  
And I wait without you_

I don't want to think about the horrible things that happened to you on the Malevolence, Obi-Wan. I don't want to imagine tears in your sea-blue eyes as she tore your flesh apart…

I waited far too long to look for you, my Master. It is my fault that you can't hear my voice anymore?_  
With all without you  
With all without you_

I didn't know the lyrics completely, but I felt the melody tremble in my heart and I was 13 again, sitting next to Obi-Wan in a spacecraft, radio so loud that I felt the bass prickle on my skin and I could barely hear my own voice as I sang along to my Master's favorite song._  
Through the storm, we reach the shore  
You give it all but I want more  
And I'm waiting for you_

You sacrificed your own happiness for me, Obi-Wan, and you were there for me when no one else was. You gave me everything, Master, but somehow I still wanted more. And now I have nothing at all._  
With or without you  
With or without you  
I can't live with or without you  
And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give, and you give  
And you give yourself away_

You always gave yourself away for others, Obi-Wan…and I always wished to be more like you._  
My hands are tied, my body bruised  
She's got me with nothing to win  
And nothing left to lose_

You are bruised, Obi-Wan, and your hands are tied with needles and bandages. I can't see the pale freckles anymore…

Ventress took all of me, everything I need to live, but I won't seek for vengeance. I want you to be proud of me, my Master._  
And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give, and you give  
And you give yourself away  
_

_With or without you  
With or without you  
I can't live  
With or without you  
_I held his hands in mine as I sang, and after the last tones ebbed away I let my head drop on his chest.

Inhaling the scent of home for the last time, with the certain knowledge that I would remember it for my whole life, because there was nothing equal in the galaxy…

Listening to his heartbeat for the last time, like a marching soldier on his last journey, let it lull me into sleep…

_I can't hold on, Obi-Wan…_

And then a touch on my hand, soft as a whisper, soft as a feather on my skin, and I lifted my head to see, through the haze of tears and despair, his blue eyes looking at me, his thumb brushing the back of my hand, his mouth forming mute words…

I stretched out one hand, like a sleepwalker, and caressed his cheek, unaware of everything but his eyes that refused to fade as hallucination or dream.

"Ana..kin…Anakin, Anakin…"

The word wavered between us, and my name seemed to shiver under the unexpected bliss of this voice making it sound.

There was nothing to do, nothing to say, and I held him tight until the healers dragged me away to examine him.

Sometimes there were miracles…and he was one!

Surprise?!? I hope I managed to stagger you a little bit… Well, I'm a freak for Happy Ends…but it's not the end! Not yet!


	12. Chapter 12

Hello you all,

It's good to see you again :-)

I'm sorry that this took so awfully, embarrassingly, terribly long…it's been a tough couple of months for me. I fear this isn't anything special either, nothing that could justify such a long latency…nevertheless, I'm happy to see the last chapter of "With all without you" uploaded. I know I let you down for a long time, and I hope you'll forgive me and enjoy this end nonetheless.

I particularly want to thank two members of Fanfiction, that became my close friends. Thank you, ObiBettina7 and padawan13 for listening to my rants, this chapter is for you…though I fear it can nowhere near enough repay what you have done for me. Love you lots, Leolina

* * *

After all the healers had disappeared, all utterly gobsmacked, I snuggled to my Master's weak body again, my hands wandering through his hair, over his cheeks, and I was far too enthralled to care about showing him my affection so openly. Tears were falling from my eyes incessantly, but I didn't need to wipe them away. His eyes were wet, too.

I was afraid of using our bond, that once had been so vibrant with the Force, saturating with how much I needed it and the man it connected me with. Bant had told me about possible injuries in his mind that I could make worse, but even more I was scared of the option that there was only a vacant place where once our connection had been.

None of us knew how much of the Obi-Wan Kenobi we knew had weathered the suffering, and although he had reacted on my touch and remembered my name, it was feasible that he had lost profound abilities or character traits of his…it was feasible that he had lost the ability of using the Force.

/Anakin…/

Relief, sweet relief filled my veins, together with an almost impossible bliss. He was there. Really.

"Master…", I gasped while I sent waves of affection and love through our bond.

"Oh, Master…"

/Anakin…I can't move/

I recognized panic in his beautiful eyes, something I had never seen there before. I couldn't help pressing a chaste kiss on his forehead, determined to soothe his distress.

"Don't worry, Master. This will be alright. Everything's alright. I…I thought I lost you…"

A sob found its way round the wall of self-composure every Jedi initiate should be ready to erect at once, never one of my strong points, so to say.

/I'm never gone, Anakin…/

I squeezed his hand a little harder unconsciously. I wouldn't ever bear having less of him than I did in this very moment.

"Are you hurting? Do you need anything?"

/No..just…/

"Yes, Master?"

A single tear escaped from his heavenly eyes and sparkled like a diamond in the amber of his beard.

/Please…stay with me, Ani/

I cautiously wiped away the tear and tried to reassure him, while I again placed my head on his chest.

"I won't leave, Master! Promise."

I couldn't understand what he meant. Why would I leave…and why would this bother him at all?

But I didn't ask, neither did I about the torture he went through, I just sat with him and watched him falling asleep, completely silent, completely motionless, and beautiful, oh, so beautiful.

***

Bant came to me when Obi-Wan slept. She hugged me without a word, two witnesses of a miracle in this aseptic, dreary hospital room. He lived.

She changed the infusion in his arm, and his face twisted in a sudden jolt of pain. I jumped to my feet.

"You're hurting him!"

Her lenient smile made me feel like an utter fool.

"I have to, Anakin. It's only for a moment."

I ignored the instinct to shove her away of him. Nobody should ever dare to hurt my Master again.

"I guess I can't convince you to sleep at home tonight, can I?"

Bant already knew the answer and didn't even try to change my mind, aware of the fact that she didn't stand a chance against my bullethead, and after she had dimmed the lights and left the room, I bedded my chin on his chest again and let my thoughts wander while I waited for his calm heartbeat to lull me into sleep.

The bruises, cuts and scars that covered his body would vanish in time. Even the broken bones and the fractured skull would heal with patience. But the healers had detected that he had not only been maltreated physically.

Bant had told me about their assumptions. It was likely that they had found a way of depriving him of all his senses, no sounds, no sights, not the tiniest movement but pain for weeks…

This alone would be enough to break a man, but Bant expected more. Somehow they had managed to block his access to the Force. They had kept him from the only thing he depended on, from the only thing he was addicted to, from the only thing he truly needed. The imagination of living without the Force was cruel already, and I had often wondered how dull and narrow it had to be for the normal galactic citizen, but I had always been able to tell myself that they didn't know it any other way and therefore didn't need to be pitied, but he…he knew it better.

Even in normal situations I couldn't imagine acting without the Force and its calm reassurance around me, but in a situation like that…being tortured, starved, agonized without any soothing power around you, being alone and hopeless, having to prepare oneself for death without the last, normally ever-present ally…

I stared at the half- veiled window across the room. If craned my neck a little, I didn't even have to lift it from Obi-Wan's chest to see the stars sending their magnificent light to us, everyone like a light bulb of hope on blackness. The isolation of the Force had presumably been the reason why I had not been able to feel his presence on the cruiser, too.

Sure I had heard of various torture methods before. As a youngling, I had stayed awake whole nights, too frightened of the imagination that muscle maggots could seep out of the shadows under my bed, and we all had been taught what to expect when captured by a hostile power…but what had happened to my Master exceeded all old wives' tells and horror stories.

Excluding a Jedi from the life-giving Force was already something to cruel to imagine. But using his only everlasting ally, his only necessary brace against him…impossible. And yet exactly this was what the Healers assumed to have happened.

Somehow, the Dark Side had found a way to torture his mind with force-induced pictures. Bant guessed that they had shown him scenes of his most desperate fears, but I didn't believe this theory. I was quite sure that there was nothing Obi-Wan was afraid of.

Sure he was always cautious, he never overestimated himself, he wasn't daredevil and knew the dangers that awaited him in the galaxy, but he was prepared for them. Sure there were things one couldn't be prepared for, but he had always taught me not to worry about those. "We can't expect the unexpected. We can't train for the coincidence…only for being able to improvise."

That was the way of the Jedi: Deliberation, bravery, spontaneity, independence.

I wasn't a quite good Jedi. I met all the criteria, except being independent. I couldn't imagine living without my Master, even if I didn't need his physical assistance, I craved his presence, his guidance, his advices. I wasn't without fear, but he was, for he didn't need anyone.

I shivered as I imagined my own mind being tantalized by such methods…it would always be Obi-Wan I'd see. Obi-Wan tortured, Obi-Wan injured, Obi-Wan dying…

But he was here now, here and save and alive, and nobody would take him away from me again…

It took some time to convince the arbitrary qualms in my stomach to let me fall asleep, and it wouldn't have worked in any other place but here, with his heartbeat in my ears.

***

I woke up so abruptly that it felt like someone had slapped my face.

Obi-Wan cried. His beautiful, cherubic face was twisted, tears glittered in the corners of his eyes and he was paler than the linens.

Completely shocked I grabbed for his hand and squeezed it as I tried to wipe away the salty traces on his cheeks, without any idea what else to do.

"Master, it's alright. Everything's alright. I'm here, no one will harm you…I promise!"

He moaned and panted heavily, and if he had been able to move, he would have tossed and struggled desperately against my hands that tried to calm him down.

"No…no, please! I beg you, no…"

Never, never had I heard the voice of my calm, stable Master sound so despaired, so anxious…and never before I had heard him beg.

Frantically I tried to touch his spirit through our bond…and realized a second to late that the usual walls every Jedi erected around the true center of his being, the place of feelings, hopes and wishes, the thing humans were used to call 'soul', had vanished, and without any barrier to hold me back, I fell headlong into the scene that was in his mind.

_A sneering laughter, a pale white, bald head, evil blue eyes..._

"_Come on, Jedi, won't you struggle? He's calling for you…can you hear him?"_

_And then…a tied-up body, screaming in agony as the Force Lightning hit him…the head jerked around and desperate, bloodshot eyes pierced in a blank, terrible stare._

"_MASTER! Master, please…oohhh…I can't take it…."_

"_ANAKIN! Please, not Anakin!"_

Obi-Wan's voice echoed in my head, and I couldn't differentiate between his cries, that mixed with my own voice and the yells of the torn body on the floor – that somehow was me.

With an enormous effort I cut the connection to him and stumbled backwards as Obi-Wan's weak body seemed to explode in motion as if he had cracked invisible shackles.

"Anakin! Ani! Please…don't…don't hurt him…!"

I tried to embrace him, but he shook me off as if I wasn't more than a puppet, his hands clenched to fists.

"Master, Master! I'm here, I'm alright! It's just a dream, Master! Aaaah!"

He had hit me with a blow as he jerked around, and I grabbed for his shoulders to press him down onto the mattress, but failed. He was almost starved and completely emaciated, but somehow he struggled with an enormous, desperate strength.

Now I was crying, too, because of the ferocity of his pain and my fear that he would hurt himself in his fit…his fit because he dreamt of me, dreamt of me being tortured. I had never known how much I meant to him, and as he bent his face to the ceiling in a blind cry of despair I let my instincts take control over my useless mind.

Like a sleepwalker I leant forward and pressed my lips to his, without covering my face from possible blows, without covering myself for consequences. I pressed him down on his bed with a fierce embrace while I savored his taste of peppermint and honey, of home and trust and fate, tears and sweat and he didn't struggle anymore but went calm and as I broke away moments, minutes, eternities later he didn't stir anymore in his sleep, his hands still clenched ferociously around mine.

I checked all drain tubes and machines around him with shaky hands, then let my head sink on his chest again, my heartbeat faster than Hyperspace velocity.

I had kissed him…I had abused his weakness…I had stopped his pain…I had caused it.

I had seen that he needed me, too…I had kissed him…I had lost my control.

I had kissed him…and it had stopped my mind from working, stopped my blood from flowing, stopped my heart from beating.

I had kissed him…and I hoped he would not remember tomorrow.

I had kissed him…and I prayed he would remember.

I had kissed him…and I had never done so right and so wrong before.

I had kissed him…and there he was, safe and sound and fast asleep, and this was more than I could have ever wished for.

_The End_


End file.
